Rewards & Punishments & Neurodiverse kids
Sometimes growth looks like taking the stairs
When we are parenting a neurodivergent child, it can be tempting to look for the smoothest path.
A reward gets the shoes on.
A consequence gets the homework finished.
Taking something away stops the behavior.
And for a moment, it may feel like we are moving forward.
The path looks smooth. The child is complying. We can see progress.
But brain development-especially regulation, flexibility, frustration tolerance, and self-awareness-doesn’t always happen on a smooth path.
Sometimes it looks more like climbing stairs.
One step at a time.
We teach a skill.
We practice it.
Then we stop and rest.
Sometimes our child gets overwhelmed and needs to sit on that step for a while.
Sometimes they climb three steps and the next day seem to go down two.
And sometimes going down a step isn't going backward at all.
It may be where they need to go to regulate, reconnect, feel safe, and gather what they need before trying again.
That's especially important to understand with neurodivergent kids.
A child who knew how to handle something yesterday may struggle with it today because their nervous system is carrying more today.
That doesn't mean they forgot.
It doesn't mean they are manipulating us.
And it doesn't necessarily mean the boundary needs to disappear.
It may simply mean:
This step needs more practice.
So instead of only asking,
“How do I get my child to do this?”
We can begin asking,
“What skill are we building on this step?”
Maybe today’s step is noticing frustration before it becomes overwhelm.
Tomorrow’s might be asking for a break.
Another might be hearing “no” and staying connected.
Another might be repairing after hurting someone’s feelings.
Another might simply be learning:
I can have a really hard moment and still come back from it.
Rewards and punishments can sometimes get us down the path faster.
But faster isn't always the goal.
Because eventually our children will face school, work, relationships, disappointment, boundaries, mistakes, and big emotions without us standing beside them offering the reward or enforcing the consequence.
What we hope they carry with them something deeper:
I know myself.
I can notice when I'm struggling.
I know how to pause.
I can ask for what I need.
I can respect a boundary even when I don't like it.
I can make a mistake, repair, and try again.
So maybe our job isn't to get our kids up the stairs as quickly as possible
Maybe it's to walk beside them while they learn how to climb.
To remind them that resting is apart of moving forward.
That needing another try is allowed.
And that sometimes taking one step down is exactly what gives the nervous system what it needs to take the next step up.
Connection first growth follows.
-gina
g63018morris@gmail.com
Colibri Parent Coaching & Consulting
